What does it mean to Love

What does it mean to love?
Blessing and suffering go hand-in-hand as I heard in church today.
The Bible says "Earnestly love". My human nature does not want to earnestly love many times. It is hard work to choose to love. Loving I thought was supposed to come easily , fuzzy, warm almost all of the time....But I reminded again it is not always that. It demands an about- face-radical-step. I say, "I choose against my feelings to Love You"..."Earnestly love you". But my motivation is without power if I don't remember Christ Loved me first in my vile filthy rag (disgusting old menstrual rags-i heard that in church too).
"HE LOVED ME FIRST. I love you first in spite of the wrongs I am reminded of". Or should I say, "What wrong did you do towards me? I can't remember? I refuse to recollect the wrongs of yesterday...it is done....I love you".
Christ loving the blind man and the women at the well was shocking, the humanly unnatural, the unexpected, goes against all human nature. Christ spending His years on earth knowing to face the final day of the Cross to die for betrayers, sinners, people who hated Him. I can't even understand it. This just reveals my heart, my desperateness for God at this very moment. God I cry out for you to give me your grace again; "it is sufficient".