Leveling of Self

My heart longs for a reality of depth and radicalism. Unashamed proclamation of Jesus, "the filler" who is capable to breath life into the corner of every Believing and Disbelieving soul. However He will use me, a very flawed tool, to be an extension or display one glimpse of His rays. I would gladly be a little reflection of God if that is the only ray of light that penetrates so far as to reach beyond myself and miraculously into the dark corners of captive souls. Maybe one has never seen a directness, a trueness such as this in all their lives, satiates our thirst, a riveting of the soul. Let it be the first or hundredth time to come back and say, "that Christ would give Himself unconditionally for me?".
I want to speak the Truth that awakens the eyes (exalting and directing man to the "I am" , "the Way", "the Life". Oh what great relief of all burdens to delight and to face "the Truth"). I call all to put away mine (yours) anything that gets in the way of self, blindness, and allow ourselves to be completely surrendered of everything in our lives; a complete "leveling" of ourselves to the ground. It is just you and God, it is not an "act" before Him.
I love the word "crap" lately so I will use it now to express so clearly what I feel. "Acting" is such "crap". Crap is building up a beautiful painted picture of ourselves that is not really who Iam, to others around you-"blessed are the humble for they shall see God" (I would like to add and they will see the crap load of falsehood in their own lives because they are examining themselves in the "mirror of God" and not self). Crap is not calling what you know to be Sin and rationalizing it away to be profitable or almost biblically "excellent" when it actually causes you to slightly or completely fall-"flee every tempation". Crap is wasting your life on laziness-"redeem the time,for the days are evil", crap is aloofness to the people that God has placed in your life-"as you do unto them, you do unto me", crap is not forgiving and letting go of wrongs done to you-"love your neighbor as yourself", "let not the sun go down on your wrath".
I have sinned in all these areas of crap. Or thought about sinning in these areas that comes from pride and self-righteous thinking. The bottom line is that I want to face my sin, repent and turn to God to help me change. His Truth is powerful for change to get rid of the crap more and more. Picture of Sanctification. I Need friends to speak Truth to me and objectively speak into my life besides my own view (which I hear is vital importance but often not demonstrated among Christians-easier to gossip). Yes, I have very high opinion of me and I don't want to face seeing my flaws, the hard work to change, the actual Obedience God calls me to devote my life to and that I actually have to Obey rather than live in my own fading pleasures of the easy life but unfulfilling.
It is too late to live life over again.
I pray that God will let the fire of refinement take away my dross(crap).



Read to my Aunt yesterday.
Samuel Francis Hymn

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Vast unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current
Of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to
Thy glorious rest above!

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth
never, nevermore!
How He watches o'er His loved ones,
died to call them all His own
how for them He intercedeth, watcheth
o'er them from the throne!

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus,
'Tis a heav'n of heav'ns to me
And it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee!

By Your Side

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J95rAr0gOFU&feature=related



Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life


Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go



By Your Side
Tenth Avenue South

My Aunt Marrianne

My Aunt Marrianne was diagnosed with Pancreatic and Liver cancer yesterday.
My dad left a message for me to call him ASAP when I get off of work. There are only now a couple of reasons I can think of this combination of emotion relayed by my father of urgency and somberness. Now his sister is dying. Prognosis is poor, a double hit from two sides, Pancreatic, one of the fastest growing cancers and invasion of two different organs.
Life is passing quickly. I can see it vividly. I am not at the age of my parents, but it is not just fleeting thought these days like before. It is a steady and fast progression("a breath") towards Heaven and seeing my heavenly Father one day beyond this fading earth.

I will try to visit her this Friday.
What will I do? She loves drinking tea, a small biscuit (my dad suggested), old book, talk of rich hymns, read a piece of her mother's diary, knit, look at old pictures, or just sit and enjoy being together. She is a home body more than any person I know in the Cassidy family. She enjoys comforts and warm lights in a cool quiet place. She welcomes me gladly to sit and talk anytime like one of her own and impart her years of wisdom. I love you Aunt Marrianne.